


Glass

by Anonymous



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Relationships, Comfort Sex, Established Relationship, Insecurity, M/M, Uchiha Izuna Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:48:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28636524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Kagami ignores the men’s winces as he makes his way over. Gossip is an inescapable part of life; for ninjas, whose lives hinge on having as much information as possible, nothing is off-limits.
Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Kagami
Comments: 21
Kudos: 89
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be a chapter in the collection of one shots, but it got a bit too long.
> 
> I had to add a couple OCs because I needed them for the story to work and Kishimoto didn't give us enough named characters in the Founders Era.

Spending time with Tobirama would be difficult if they hadn't decided early in their relationship that sharing meals had to be a priority. Usually they eat dinner together, or breakfast if Tobirama knows he's going to be working late. They can't always eat without interruptions, and sometimes they only have a minute or two. It's time together, though, and even if it's just a skewer or two of takoyaki, time to talk and be with Tobirama is all Kagami needs.

Today is a rare lunch date. It took weeks to plan with Tobirama’s new, chaotic work project and Kagami’s own missions, but Kagami has ensured that they’ll have half an hour of uninterrupted time together.

He might wind up encouraging Tobirama to use hiraishin to bring them home early, but just being near him for a while would be nice, too. He chose a booth in a corner, so they can sit next to each other. He's looking out of the window that faces the Academy and searches the street for Tobirama.

The looming specter of the curriculum overhaul that's been keeping Tobirama up at night for the past few months has been vanquished.

You wouldn't know it from the way he acts, Kagami thinks, but Tobirama loves children. He isn't anyone’s favorite founder, even with Madara frightening half of Konoha's children; he looks after them anyway.

His idea of assigning jōnin to small genin teams and tutoring them has been more successful than anyone thought. They’re still playing catch up now, but by the time the generation currently in the Academy has children old enough to attend, Konoha’s curriculum will have stabilized. The idea of reworking the education system so soon came from Tobirama’s desire to make Konoha’s next generation learn without as many of the dangers he faced when his father was teaching him.

Few things can rattle Tobirama, but he was relentless about the Academy. They were little more than acquaintances at the time, but during the worst bout of his need to reform, Kagami was the first person to notice there was more to Tobirama’s mood than fussiness. Making himself useful in the months it took Tobirama to come up with a satisfactory draft is likely responsible for their relationship’s existence; if he hadn’t found reasons to interrupt Tobirama when his frustration was at its worst, they wouldn’t have gotten to know each other over endless stacks of scrolls. If he hadn’t gone directly to Tobirama’s office as soon as he returned from missions, he wouldn’t have known how often Tobirama tore his own work apart in search of flaws. The depth of Tobirama’s frustration is a secret no one needs to know Kagami is keeping.

As if summoned, a familiar flash of gray appears around a corner, and Kagami sits up in anticipation.

Tobirama hasn't taken four steps closer before someone falls into step with him. Kagami tries to place the man but comes up empty. Whoever he is, he's too young to be one of the people Tobirama regularly works with, but he has the hitai-ate and flak jacket that mark him as at least a chūnin. It's more likely that he's a jōnin- Tobirama frequently works with ninjas of Kagami’s rank as a mentor, though he’s technically a jōnin as well- but he looks young for that. Skill as a ninja and readiness to lead others don't go hand in hand; remedying that system has been a goal of Tobirama’s since he was young.

They're too far away for Kagami to know what they're saying or read their expressions, but it's clear that despite Tobirama’s neutral expression, his companion is having a good time. He keeps leaning closer and turning toward Tobirama. At one point, he even starts walking backwards. The dark look Tobirama gives him only makes him bounce more.

In their time together, Kagami has noticed that while Tobirama’s attitude puts most people off, there are some who are drawn to him because of it. They become enamored with him in ways that he seems baffled by. None of his usual strategies work to get rid of them; if anything, they do the opposite. The pushier he gets, the more they want him.

More than once, Kagami has overheard someone speculate about what Tobirama is like in bed and suggest he'd enjoy it more with them than Kagami. At the very least, they suggest, someone who isn't an Uchiha could appreciate being told what to do. Tobirama would be pushy in bed, of course. He must be.

Kagami takes a sip of water.

Tobirama is a far cry from demanding in bed, but when he does get in the mood to manhandle Kagami, Kagami can appreciate the experience.

More often than not, Tobirama likes to be told what to do. One of the few ways to fluster him is to give him an order and praise him for doing it well. It makes him go red in the face and cross his arms awkwardly.

So long as Kagami doesn't think too hard about Tobirama’s craving for praise, it's cute.

A cute secret that he's entrusted to Kagami alone.

The gossip can run rampant; it's just noise from people who don't know them. Liking how stern Tobirama is and promising to bend over for him aren't the same as loving him, and Tobirama knows that.

Kagami reminds himself of that as he watches Tobirama cross the street and duck into the restaurant, his surprise shadow left behind on the street.

“Did I keep you waiting?” Tobirama asks as he slides into the booth.

Kagami shakes his head. “You know you're always on time.”

“On my own, yes, but as you saw, I had unexpected company.”

“I did see. Who was it? I didn't recognize him.”

Tobirama shakes his head. “Sarutobi Fujiwara. You met him years ago- he's a distant cousin of Saru’s.”

 _“That's_ Fujiwara?” Kagami struggles to reconcile the gangly teenager with the man who'd tagged along with Tobirama. “Isn't he fourteen?”

“He was when I tutored him for Saru.” Tobirama quirks a smile at him. “That must have been eight years ago now.”

Kagami blinks. “Eight years?”

“Welcome to getting old, Kagami. Children grow up faster than you think. It stops being frightening eventually.” Tobirama looks down at his bowl. “Is this sanpei jiru?”

“They caught fresh salmon earlier,” Kagami explains. “You've been working hard, and I know you like it. So here's your reward.”

The smile Tobirama gives him is soft and pleased. “I do enjoy it, yes, though I prefer the company.”

He curls his hands around his bowl, and Fujiwara slips from Kagami’s thoughts as he basks in Tobirama’s happiness.

* * *

Inexplicably, Fujiwara continues to pop up around Tobirama. If he doesn't show up in Tobirama’s office, he's surprising him in the street or bumping into him at the store.

“He was on a long mission in isolation outside the village,” Tobirama says as he and Kagami get into bed one night. “I'm not sure why he thinks I'm the person to socialize with, but that seems like the most likely cause for his increased presence. He's consulting with me as well but doesn't bring the work up on his own, so I’m more inclined to believe he's socializing.”

It isn't the most likely cause.

Tobirama doesn't see himself well. He understands in theory that he's attractive, but he's been in Hashirama’s shadow for so long that he doesn't notice how attractive he is. If he can't use his appearance as a tool, it doesn't occur to him.

It's been years since they got together, and he still seems surprised that Kagami can't get enough of him.

Fujiwara seems to have similar feelings. He makes noticeably quick departures whenever Kagami comes around but hasn't actually overstepped any boundaries, so Kagami can’t do anything about it. Telling Tobirama would be pointless.

Where Tobirama sees a former student and current coworker, a man preserved in his mind as a fourteen year old, Fujiwara sees a man he wants.

No amount of overly solicitous invitations will change Tobirama’s mind. He's faithful to a fault. His eyes have never wandered, but who doesn't want to feel desirable? Even Tobirama isn't immune to the desire to be acknowledged.

“I can't blame him,” Kagami says instead of pointing out that Fujiwara has been chasing Tobirama like a child in search of a dessert he's been denied. “I come looking for you when I come back, too.”

The kiss Tobirama lays on Kagami’s cheek isn't the reassurance Kagami wants, but with nothing to validate his unease, he doesn’t say anything.

* * *

It doesn’t surprise Kagami that he finds out that the rumors have begun from an Inuzuka. He’s in the hospital waiting room with a few minutes before a routine follow up appointment when a voice says, “All I’m saying is that I don’t get it.”

There are only two other people in the room, an Uzumaki who Kagami hasn’t met but recognizes and an Inuzuka who was in his class at the Academy. Even if Kagami didn’t know the voice, Inuzukas have a well-earned reputation for being heard before they’re seen.

The Uzumaki sighs. “What is there not to get?”

“Swapping Kagami for that other guy. Why trade down?”

Kagami bites his tongue to stop himself from interrupting.

“Who says he’s trading down?” the Uzumaki asks.

”Are you seriously going to tell me you’d drop somebody you’ve been with for, what, ten years to get with that guy?”

The Uzumaki hums thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t, no, but I’m not Tobirama, am I? Who knows what that guy’s thinking? Maybe there’s a different reason he and the First don’t get along.”

“That's really bleak, man. Aren’t you guys family?”

“If you go back far enough, yeah, but it’s not like I know him. Honestly, Kagami’s probably the only person who does. He’s good at handling Tobirama. I’ll give him that. Maybe the Sharingan works on Tobirama as well as Tailed Beasts.”

The two of them trade quiet laughs, and Kagami glances at the clock.

Another two minutes until his appointment.

“Seriously, though,” Kagami’s former classmate says after their laughter has died down, “do you really think Tobirama isn’t interested in Kagami anymore? I’ve never heard him say anything bad about Kagami, and he isn’t the type to keep quiet. Fujiwara isn’t ugly, but he isn’t so hot I’d risk a good relationship to fuck him.”

Humming to himself, the Uzumaki takes a long moment to reply. When he does, his voice is tight with disgust. “You’re assuming that what Tobirama is thinking about is their looks. He might just be more interested in Fujiwara being more than ten years younger than Kagami. Kagami wasn’t that much older when the two of them got together, was he? Tobirama might just want someone young. It’s not like Kagami is getting younger. He still looks good, but it’s only a matter of time-”

Kagami is saved from finding out what is only a matter of time by the arrival of the doctor.

“It’s your turn, Kagami,” the man says, pitching his voice to carry.

He’s known Kagami since Kagami broke two teeth on his first mission outside the village, and Kagami has no doubts that he overheard the conversation, too.

Kagami ignores the men’s winces as he makes his way over. Gossip is an inescapable part of life; for ninjas, whose lives hinge on having as much information as possible, nothing is off-limits. Compared to some of the rumors that circulated when their relationship first became public knowledge, this kind of speculation is almost kind.

* * *

It’s true that Kagami has heard worse, but he’s still thinking about the conversation when his appointment ends and his recovery gets the official endorsement.

He’s never felt like Tobirama was interested in him because of his age, but he’s never been pushed aside like this either.

The silence that greets him when he gets home doesn’t reassure him.

* * *

Having the doctor’s approval means Kagami can finally go back to training.

“You can't blame me for the things my cousin does,” Hiruzen complains. He's perched on Kagami’s back, settled heavily with one foot on Kagami's back and one foot on the ground. He has both of Kagami’s arms bent behind himself, wrists held against Kagami’s back, pinning Kagami with his own weight.

“I don't blame you,” Kagami tells him.

Danzō, who's been scratching notes in a journal for nearly the entire hour Kagami and Hiruzen spent sparring, finally sets the journal aside to give Kagami a pitying look. “You’re taking it personally and making yourself even angrier.”

It hits Kagami then that both of his friends must have heard theories even worse than the ones he’s overheard. He drops his head to the ground in defeat, and Hiruzen mercifully gets up.

“Is it that obvious?” Kagami asks, tilting his head so he can see Danzō.

Danzō shrugs. “What, that you’re letting people get under skin or that Hiruzen’s cousin is doing his level best to sit on Tobirama-sama's lap? They're both obvious, but at least you don't look like a fool. I've never seen someone arch their back so far.” He pauses and taps his chin. “Being young really does make you stupid.”

Hiruzen hisses at him. “You aren't helping!”

“And? I never said I would.”

“Hiruzen,” Kagami interrupts. If he lets them continue, they won’t stop until night falls. ”You know he’s just trying to get a rise out of you.”

“And it’s working,” Hiruzen mutters.

Danzō raises his eyebrows. “Is that so?”

Sensing an argument his friends will insist on solving with their fists, Kagami rocks himself to his feet. He stretches his arms above his head and gives himself a quick shake- Hiruzen didn't tackle him gently.

“If things don’t work out with Tobirama-sama,” Danzō says thoughtfully, “you could probably do really well on honeypot missions. You aren’t so clumsy anymore.”

“Danzō!” Hiruzen yelps.

Kagami looks over at him sharply, but Danzō merely shrugs.

“What? I'm not saying we'd do them together. It's worth having an account of your strengths and weaknesses. One of your strengths is that you could do well on honeypot missions. Hiruzen certainly couldn’t.”

Hiruzen grumbles a protest but wisely doesn’t push back. “The way you said that made it sound worse, you know.”

“That isn’t my problem.”

Danzō glances between them with an expression so pleased with himself that Kagami doesn't have to look at Hiruzen. The two of them leap at Danzō in unison and spend the next hour chasing their friend through the forest that surrounds Konoha.

“You can be mad at me for telling you what you already knew, but you stopped moping, didn't you?” Danzō wheezes when they finally call a truce. He's got the beginning of a wicked black eye from Kagami, the result of an accident rather than a well-aimed attack, and he keeps rubbing his thigh where Hiruzen landed a nasty hit with his adamantine staff.

Next to him, Hiruzen grins. He's got a bruise on his cheek from Danzō’s elbow. “See? Even Danzō thinks you just need to ride this out.”

“I never said that,” Danzō argues.

“If you thought Kagami and Tobirama-sama weren't good together, you'd be helping my cousin.”

“I can hedge my bets.”

Hiruzen groans, but Kagami smiles.

He hasn't been out of the village in too long. His mandatory switch to the light work roster was in deference to the injury that’s finally healed. He's probably just got too much energy; being still for too long makes him tetchy. He’ll ask for a mission tomorrow, and if he can’t get one, he’ll just spend the day burning off his impatience in the training area.

Unable to stop needling, Danzō takes advantage of the moment to kick Hiruzen’s shin, and Hiruzen kicks him back.

A year ago, the two of them would have been on their feet already, Kagami dragged along with them. Finding and respecting your limits is a sign of fading youth, Kagami thinks. Even ninjas who survive years of battle can't fight time.

Hiruzen interrupts Kagami’s thoughts with a shout. Cheeks puffed out, he punches Danzō in the leg he smacked earlier.

Eyes bright, the two of them scramble to their feet.

Kagami watches them rush each other from his spot on the ground and smiles. They both call for him to help, but he doesn't join the fray. He still has things to do; he’s tempted fate enough by letting himself join in at all. He doesn’t need to risk losing his chance to return to active duty.

If Tobirama isn’t working too hard, Kagami might be able to tempt him into burning some of his extra energy by celebrating his return.

* * *

Kagami stares at his reflection. He isn’t sure why they have such an ornate full length mirror. He and Tobirama don’t have any need for a full length mirror to begin with, but now that he needs it, Kagami is glad they have it.

He studies himself in the glass, comparing his memories of his body when he was younger to the way his body looks now.

There are more scars, but beyond that, he can’t find any signs of major changes to his body. He twists around and holds himself in different positions, bends over and hops in place, searching for something out of place. Aside from being less muscular than he was when he was taking missions daily, his body isn't significantly different.

Stepping closer, Kagami considers his face.

Here, he finds differences. He doesn’t really have wrinkles yet, but they’ve begun to form. His skin isn’t as bright, and when he pulls on it, it doesn’t spring back as quickly as it used to. He’s probably going to have eye bags as stark as Madara’s.

He steps back with a sigh and rubs his hands over his face. He had half hoped that he would look in the mirror and not recognize himself, but the longer he looked, the more certain he became.

The only difference between Kagami now and Kagami on the day he kissed Tobirama for the first time is his age. It's the same mortal process that’s driven Tobirama to sleep with extra blankets and keep a pair of reading glasses on him.

Perhaps Kagami won’t feel this way when he hits forty, if he makes it that far, but as far as he can tell, he’s barely changed.

The differences he found can't be helped; aging is as inevitable as gravity. He doesn't mind the changes, but he isn't the only person who's interest in his body matters.

Laying his hands on his hips, Kagami thinks of the bruises Tobirama has left over the course of their relationship. He must have left more than a hundred, more than two hundred, maybe even a thousand, all told. There’s no sign of the most recent anymore; Tobirama left his fleeting marks and in his absence, they’ve all healed.

It shouldn’t matter, and it doesn’t. This has happened before; Tobirama doesn’t just grab Kagami roughly when they have sex. He can be tender and playful like anyone else. They’ve been separated for months at a time, and trying to keep bruises isn’t priority when Kagami is fighting for his life.

The bruises he left on Tobirama must have healed, too.

Kagami turns away with a sigh. There’s only one way to find out why Tobirama is behaving the way he is, and that’s for Tobirama himself to explain.

Leaning down, Kagami collects his discarded clothes and carries them to the hamper.

Folding and hanging the laundry is Kagami’s job. Washing is Tobirama’s, and he still takes care of it. The dirty laundry disappears and returns clean. Kagami continues to fold Tobirama’s clothes, but every time he upends the hamper and Tobirama doesn’t tell him not to get his fresh laundry dirty, he loses a little more faith. Without unhelpful input from his self-appointed laundry supervisor, Kagami may as well be doing laundry for a ghost.

Kagami shakes his head and moves the hamper so the ghost will find Kagami’s offering.

* * *

The bathroom has never felt more unwelcoming than it does when Kagami tries to distract himself from Tobirama’s absence with a toy.

He keeps his hand clapped over his mouth and tries to keep his chakra calm. Tobirama can pick up on strong changes without kneading chakra. This isn't the same as killing intent, but the desperation Kagami is feeling is too overwhelming for Tobirama not to notice it if Kagami isn't careful.

It would be easier if he'd picked a different position. Maybe on his hands and knees or lying on his back- something he and Tobirama haven't done in the shower.

It's too late to change now. Kagami is already using the toy standing up, and if he stops, he’ll rethink what he's doing.

He needs to sleep. He hasn't gotten through a night undisturbed in so long that he's starting to worry he doesn't know how anymore.

If he just leans into a memory a little, if he just takes himself in hand and concentrates on remembering the last time he and Tobirama showered together, he could be done in a couple minutes.

The flaw is that it was Tobirama’s hands on his body. One held him upright; one gently jerked Kagami off. Kagami had felt so wanted, he hadn't lasted long.

Wrong memory- that one’s too raw. He needs another, older one, closer to what's happening now.

Like the time Tobirama accidentally walked in on him.

Kagami had been missing him while Tobirama was away on a rare mission that took him out of the village. They'd only been officially living together for a few days when he was sent out, and they'd spent most of them in bed. That's where they'd been when Hashirama himself knocked on the front door and Tobirama was forced to leave in the middle of what they were doing.

Three weeks had passed since then, and despite his initial intention to wait for Tobirama's return, Kagami had been in such a mood, he'd known he had to do something.

So he'd gotten the toy he likes best, stuck it to the shower wall, tried not to think too hard about wanting Tobirama's fingers instead of his own as he got himself ready, and told himself the toy would be enough for the moment. His body would know the hand on his cock and the fingers pinching his nipples were his own and that he wasn't rocking against Tobirama's body, but he'd needed to take the edge off.

He'd just given up and let himself call Tobirama's name when there was a burst of chakra and Tobirama, dirty and obviously tired, appeared in the shower. He'd landed on his ass with a look of surprise.

Then he’d noticed Kagami and looked more surprised.

“This isn't the welcome back I expected.”

Caught, Kagami had frozen. His face had throbbed with embarrassment.

“I…”

Faced with Tobirama's knowing look, he hadn't known what to say.

"Tobirama, you're-"

“Are you really going to stop there?”

“Huh?”

Tobirama had gestured at Kagami’s body. “Are you not going to finish? Usually you'd be out drinking with Saru now, so I thought I’d have time to take a shower and a nap before you got back, but this is better.”

Kagami had shifted awkwardly, only to groan when the toy moved, too.

Eyes bright, Tobirama had glanced down at where Kagami’s hands had dropped to cover himself.

“You don't have to stop on my account.”

He hadn't made any move to help, so Kagami had asked, “Are you really just going to watch?”

“I thought I would, unless you don't want me to.”

He'd looked so hopeful that Kagami had heard himself say, “No, I do.”

Getting off together wasn't the same as Kagami touching himself while Tobirama watched. Previous partners had liked it, and Kagami couldn't say he hadn't liked the way it felt to have their attention so fully. He'd understood why they couldn't look away; he’d felt the same way when he was the one watching.

It just hadn't happened by surprise, and with Tobirama, it had felt like everything Kagami did would stay in his memory.

Biting his lip, Kagami thinks back to that feeling.

Tobirama had watched him like this was the only thing he'd ever wanted. His eyes had moved all over Kagami’s body, and he'd leaned forward, eyes sharp as he watched the show Kagami put on for him.

As soon as Kagami had finished, Tobirama had gotten to his feet and pulled him into a kiss that made Kagami dig his fingers into Tobirama’s waist.

He can seem like a cold fish, but Kagami has felt the depth of the passion Tobirama keeps to himself. That kiss and the shower that followed had made up for the time they'd spent apart. As soon as he got his own clothes off, Tobirama hadn't stopped touching him; even when the water was running and Kagami was trying to wash the dirt off, his hands had gotten in the way.

Remembering the way Tobirama had said name, Kagami bites his tongue and comes.

It doesn't feel like it did that time. There's no overwhelming feeling of being desired, no Tobirama disregarding protocol to sit in their shower and watch.

There's no shower after with the man he loves.

All Kagami has as he slides off the toy and takes it off the wall is a creeping sense of loss.

He cleans the toy and himself out of habit.

When he returns to bed, he sleeps through the night, but he feels more tired than before.

* * *

Humiliation isn't a feeling Kagami is unfamiliar with.

He knows rejection just as well.

The combination of the two is what’s making him feel like he's choking on his own breath.

The situation is his fault. He should have checked first, but he didn't. He made a fool of himself assuming he could act like he had in the first few months after he and Tobirama moved in together. Of course he got pushed away.

“Sorry, Tobirama,” he says, sliding awkwardly off the edge of the desk. “I'll just go to bed.”

Tobirama frowns at him. “You aren't going to explain?”

“What is there to explain?”

“Why you were sitting on my desk naked seems like a good place to start.”

Kagami draws a long breath in. “We haven't had sex in a while, and there wasn't much work on your desk. I thought a little spontaneity would be fun.”

Initially, Kagami had waited in the kitchen, but when Tobirama returned home, he’d gone directly to his office and not come out for nearly an hour. It was chilly in the kitchen with nothing but an apron on, and Kagami had gone looking for Tobirama in case he could be lured out. He’d meant to poke his head in, but when he realized Tobirama had slipped out of his office to do something elsewhere, he’d remembered the times he’d distracted Tobirama from work before they settled into the rhythm they have now.

He should have stuck to remembering; if he had, he would have remembered how little patience Tobirama has for interruptions. The time when he would let himself be distracted by Kagami taking his shirt off or, as Kagami just tried to do, surprising him by turning up ready for a quickie, is gone.

There's a smear of lube on the desk from Kagami’s leg. He'd been so hopeful about being with Tobirama again, he hadn't been careful about not making a mess .

Tobirama has yet to look below Kagami’s chin except to frown at his desk like it's offended him.

“Clearly, you're busy,” Kagami says, quickly swiping an edge of the apron over the mess. He doesn't want to hear what Tobirama thinks of his plan. He can guess on his own. “I’ll let you get back to it.”

He makes a beeline for the door, but an impulse he knows he should ignore stops him before he steps through.

He's smart enough not to look back as he says, “I know the project you and Fujiwara are working together on is important, but you never told me when it will end.”

“There are deadlines for certain elements, but there’s no set end date,” Tobirama answers. He's slow to speak, and Kagami can hear the eye rolling in his voice. “Is that a problem?”

Kagami shakes his head. “No, not at all. I'm going to be back on active duty tomorrow, so I’ll be coming and going again. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t take a mission that would keep me out of the village when you finish, but since there’s no end date, I’ll take whatever comes my way.”

“Fujiwara is good at what he does, so it’s possible he and I could be done before you get back.” Tobirama's voice grows warm, a rare sign that he's pleased with someone. “Saru’s genius isn't unique in his clan. His cousin may even be more strategic.”

Kagami, who has never been called a genius except when Danzō is feeling prickly, nods. “I'm glad to hear that working with him doesn’t trouble you. If you’ll excuse me, I need to shower.”

He slips out the door, but as he makes himself walk to the shower, steps growing less awkward as his body accepts that the plans he’d had won’t be happening, he can't escape the feeling that he's letting himself be chased out of his own home.

* * *

Tobirama doesn't come to bed at all that night, and Kagami sleeps fitfully, woken intermittently by dreams of Tobirama in their bed with a man who isn't Kagami.

* * *

The silence in the kitchen is broken only by the sound of Kagami washing his breakfast dishes. Tobirama hasn’t made an appearance, but the tray Kagami set on the floor outside his office door disappeared.

Kagami pushes the thought away. He’s going back on the roster. He might even get an assignment sometime this week.

His mood lifts for the two minutes it takes him to slip his sandals on and leave.

Outside, Fujiwara is waiting.

He really does look young. His cheeks are still round with the last of his baby fat, and his skin has a bright, healthy glow. Even the look he gives Kagami is more like a teenager’s sulk than an adult’s challenge.

Did Kagami look like this? He can’t imagine it.

He considers saying something, but what is there to say? "Please don’t take the love of my life from me"?

Kagami shakes his head- at himself or Fujiwara, he doesn’t know- and walks around the boy. He won’t get a mission if he just stands here.

When he arrives, Torifu is sitting in his usual spot at the Missions Desk. He brightens when he notices Kagami and shoots him a knowing look as he accepts Kagami’s clean bill of health.

His expression grows somber as he says, “I can get you a two-day assignment or a week-long assignment right now. They’ll both take you to at least the border of the Land of Fire. I think I can get you one of the longer ones, but you’ll have to spend some time preparing for them before you can leave. Just say the word.”

There's no judgment on his face. There isn't even understanding. There's just Torifu offering Kagami the chance to pick the escape he needs.

Years ago, the two of them joked that if Kagami and Tobirama couldn't make it last, Kagami and Torifu would fall in love.

Losing Tobirama isn’t funny anymore, and Torifu has his beloved wife. Rumor has it that Ruri was so delighted by him, she told her friends after their first date that she would have married him on the spot if he’d asked. They've been married for two years now, and every day since Torifu transferred to working in the village exclusively, she’s visited him with a snack for his belly and a kiss for his cheek.

Kagami pushes aside the unsought memory of the last time he and Tobirama cooked together and asks, “What does the weeklong assignment entail?”

* * *

The first thing the mission entails is a discussion with the hokage.

Despite his tendency to make a fool of himself with Madara, Hashirama has always struck Kagami as more thoughtful than he's given credit for being. The work of successfully leading a clan couldn't be foisted entirely off onto Tobirama. Even if they divvied the work up between public face and logistics, there still would have been too much work for one man to complete. Some of the strategies and political maneuvering must have come from Hashirama.

The intelligence he doesn't show off makes his dark eyes knowing.

“It isn't complicated,” he explains as he hands Kagami a scroll, “but it’s important. You’re going to spend five days running simple errands on behalf of a man in the Land of Waves who has too much money. You're going to be bored. The work itself will be far beneath you, but we need to secure his business.”

Kagami accepts the scroll Hashirama hands him and tucks it away. “Easy missions are still missions, right? I’m looking forward to getting back to work regardless.”

Hashirama tilts his head. “Living with Tobirama can feel like a never-ending mission, I’m sure. If you can tolerate him and hopping through the hoops that come with him, you can survive picking up groceries. Right?"

Out of habit, Kagami protests, “I don't just tolerate him. I like living with him.”

Hashirama raises his eyebrows. “Even now?”

Humiliation claws its way up Kagami’s throat for the second time in less than a day. The stories the other villagers would come up with if they knew Tobirama rejected him last night would be pointed, even cruel. For the hokage- for Tobirama's older brother- to have heard them is humiliating.

"Does everyone know?"

“Other than Tobirama?” Hashirama asks. “It's likely. Sarutobis aren't subtle, nor are twenty year olds, and Fujiwara is no exception. There's only one person who hasn't picked up on the problem."

“I don’t think he’s oblivious,” Kagami disagrees. He’s gotten to know Hashirama over the years, but he’s careful to keep his tone respectful. “It’s more that he’s…”

“Deliberately unaware?” Humor warms Hashirama's voice. “After our mother's death, I was certain that Tobirama would never open up to anyone again. He was never very emotional, but after we buried her, he stopped involving himself in other people's lives. Then you came into his life and he remembered how to smile. He doesn't hold back with you like he does with me."

“It can be easier to be open with someone you have no history with,” Kagami agrees.

“I’m sure that’s part of it, but your clan seems to have a great deal of influence over mine. Even my uptight brother chose to bring a former enemy into his home. You've got a special place in Tobirama's heart, Kagami.”

There's no way to respond that won’t reveal more than Kagami is ready to share, so he simply nods.

Hashirama nods in return. “Good luck on your mission. Whatever you need, I hope you find it.”

* * *

Kagami doesn't find it.

He asked for the week-long mission because he needed to get out of the village and stop thinking about Tobirama. Hashirama warned him that this wouldn’t be a challenge, but the tasks he’s given are painfully simple. He isn’t sent out far enough to lose his thoughts like he had when he was on his way here.

Instead of an answer, Kagami finds a sense of loss. He sees couples sitting with each other and holding hands, and his hands have gone so long without feeling Tobirama’s that they ache.

By the morning of the third day, he can feel every place where Tobirama would have touched him.

His shoulder throbs from a friendly squeeze he hasn’t gotten. A sharp pain runs up his chest where Tobirama would have run the back of his fingers. His neck is stiff without Tobirama tucking his face into it. His lips feel thin without Tobirama’s good morning kiss.

By the end of the sixth day, he realizes that he doesn't hurt solely because he misses Tobirama. He hurts because he might never hold him again.

* * *

Kagami’s return to the village is smooth, and despite the underwhelming mission, he feels good having finished it.

He’s enjoying the satisfaction of returning on time when he spots Tobirama waiting outside the Academy. Annoyance is pouring off him, but when he looks over at Kagami and their eyes meet, his scowl eases. It isn’t an expression someone who wants to break up would make, and Kagami smiles back.

Then Fujiwara appears at Tobirama’s side with a box so full that the scrolls inside are in danger of falling out. He takes two steps too close to Tobirama and says something too quiet to reach Kagami. Whatever it is, it makes Tobirama’s smile disappear. He shakes his head and scoops up an armful of the scrolls. At a tilt of Tobirama’s head, Fujiwara sets off.

Tobirama follows him but not without looking back at Kagami. He doesn’t smile, but in the second he pauses, his expression is soft. Then he jogs away after Fujiwara.

The look on Torifu’s face when Kagami makes his way to the Missions Desk to turn in his report is carefully blank.

Kagami inclines his head and holds out the scroll he’d used to keep track of his employer’s habits. Torifu takes it from him but doesn’t let go until he’s handed Kagami a comically oversized manju bun.

“Welcome home, Kagami.”

Torifu isn’t the person Kagami wanted to see the most, but it’s still good to be wanted.

* * *

Kagami stares at his bedroom ceiling, the flash of hope he’d felt earlier dead for at least four hours. It’s the middle of the night, so he can’t see anything. That doesn’t matter; he’s awake because something’s missing and it isn’t waiting for him in his room.

Before he moved in with Tobirama, he had a small but comfortable futon in a room in his clan’s compound. No one but his friends spent the night, so he never felt the urge to buy a bigger one. Having no extra room made it feel cozy.

He and Tobirama share a large bed with a tall, thick mattress. Tobirama curls up tight when he sleeps, and over time, Kagami got used to the luxury of waking up sprawled across the comfortable bed. More often than not, one of his feet or a hand makes its way onto Tobirama. Startling a sleeping ninja can be fatal; even Tobirama’s sensing isn’t strong enough to override that instinct to fight off an enemy. Yet Kagami has always woken up unharmed despite having an arm mashing Tobirama’s face into his pillow.

It’s been a long time since Kagami woke up and Tobirama was next to him. Tobirama usually goes to bed at the same time he did before he started working with Fujiwara, but their nighttime routine is as silent and tense as everything between them has become.

Working long hours isn’t a problem. Waking up before Kagami does and letting him sleep in isn’t a problem.

Putting off the time they’re supposed to spend together and ducking their shared meals is becoming the norm for Tobirama, however, and his absence leaves a sour taste in Kagami’s mouth.

There’s no way anything is happening between Tobirama and Fujiwara, but the cold bed and lonely meals do nothing to wash the taste out of Kagami’s mouth.

* * *

As the time since Kagami and Tobirama did anything together expands and shows no sign of stopping, Kagami is forced to accept that Tobirama isn’t going to meet him partway. Hashirama might have been more right than not; Tobirama probably hasn’t even picked up on the problem.

Kagami has spent years pushing Tobirama to talk through what he's feeling, and when Tobirama finally does figure out what’s bothering him, they work on it together. It can be a long, difficult process, but it works. Kagami’s problem isn’t as easy to solve. He knows exactly what's wrong and why, and he knows that the solution is simple.

He has to track Tobirama down and talk plainly to him.

Confronting his own failings is easier said than done, but Kagami can only endure the cold welcome of an empty house for so long. If he doesn’t make some kind of change, something is going to break.

He makes his way to Tobirama’s office on a Friday evening half an hour after they usually would have eaten together. He takes a deep breath and knocks.

Tobirama answers readily, calling for Kagami to come in, but he doesn't look up when Kagami opens the door and makes his way over.

Kagami’s chair is where it always is, but there’s a stack of blueprints nearly as tall as he is stacked on it. He ignores it all; he knew before he came in that he wasn’t going to sit down. “Do you have a minute?”

“If it's important,” Tobirama says, eyes fixed on the scroll in front of him.

How long has it been since Tobirama stopped what he was doing to look at Kagami? It used to be so easy to get his attention; all Kagami had to do was come close.

Kagami swallows the urge to ask why Tobirama isn't happy to see him anymore. “No one will die, but I do think it's important.”

There must be something in his voice because Tobirama does look up this time. His brow is furrowed, and Kagami wishes he were allowed to smooth the wrinkles out like he used to. He might be allowed to; he just can't risk the pain of being told no.

Tobirama meets his eyes and doesn’t look away. “I’m listening.”

Now that Kagami is here, he doesn't want to talk. He wants to drag Tobirama to bed and hold him until Tobirama understands on his own that Kagami tried as hard as he could not to make this a problem for him.

That isn't an option, so Kagami does the next best thing.

“I’m uncomfortable with Hiruzen’s cousin.”

Tobirama frowns harder. “With Fujiwara? Why? Did something happen?”

If it didn’t hurt so much, Kagami would laugh.

”He's been hitting on you, Tobirama. He does it in our home and in public, and you’re letting it happen.”

Tobirama's face scrunches up, but he doesn’t say anything for a long time. He must be thinking a hundred things at once. Kagami knows before before Tobirama asks what his first question will be.

“Do you think I'm being unfaithful?”

Kagami shakes his head. “I don’t.”

“If you know that I’m only working with him,” Tobirama asks, eyes narrowing, “what is there to be uncomfortable with? Are people speculating again? I thought we addressed this."

He’s getting agitated- he always squints when he's upset, and not understanding something upsets him quickly- and Kagami has to fight the urge to abandon the conversation and reassure him.

That he’s still unaware of the gossip is concerning, but it isn’t that out of character.

They did address the stress that gossip would add, but Kagami hadn't been exiled from Tobirama's side. Handling the whispers is harder on his own.

“It isn't about knowing,” Kagami says. “We haven’t spent any time together in months, and it feels like you haven’t noticed. You don’t even eat part of a boxed lunch with me. You’ve never done this before, and I can’t wait indefinitely for an explanation you might not give me.”

“You think I forgot you because I’m working?” Tobirama asks. He looks angry, but he hasn’t started clenching his jaw yet. “I have to prioritize, and the village’s infrastructure has to come first. You’ve never had difficulty understanding that before. You haven’t fussed over other people overstepping with me either, though I haven't noticed a problem with Fujiwara's behavior.”

It isn’t the same, but Kagami doesn’t argue the point. Tobirama is clearly only getting more agitated, and the confusion on his face hurts Kagami’s heart. It's been so long since Tobirama was jealous that he's forgotten what it feels like to be afraid of being left behind. He assumes he’ll be the one who doesn't get picked, so he doesn’t hold onto anyone tightly.

Kagami isn’t going to leave him behind. Tobirama is his first choice. Kagami is trying not to lose him.

“I’m getting older, Tobirama,” Kagami says. Hearing himself say it aloud makes him cringe. He doesn't mind getting older. He's _proud_ that he's lived this long. “There are other, younger people you could be with, ones who don't have the baggage of being from the Uchiha clan. I want you to be honest. If you don’t want me, I just need to know.”

Tobirama stares at him blankly, and Kagami is forced to accept that Tobirama won't tell him anything more tonight. Kagami has given him too much to consider.

“I'm going to spend the night at Torifu’s. I haven’t been sleeping well, and he’s been on me about not visiting often enough. Who knows? I might just need a full night’s sleep.” He offers Tobirama his most convincing smile. “This is just for tonight, but if you need me, come get me.”

“You’re leaving,” Tobirama says slowly.

“Yes, I am, but it really is just for tonight.” Kagami feels the weight of every day they’ve been estranged. Forty isn’t as far away as it had seemed six months ago.

There’s nothing more to say, so he leaves Tobirama's office with a quick duck of his head. He moves as quickly as he can, outrunning the thoughts that say he’s ruined their relationship.

Tobirama doesn't try to stop him.

* * *

Ruri meets Kagami at the genkan and ushers him inside.

“Torifu is in the kitchen,” she explains. “I hope you’re hungry. He’s been cooking all day.” Raising her voice, she asks, “Haven’t you, dear?”

Torifu answers with an enthusiastic grunt.

Ruri smiles warmly at Kagami, and despite the dread still clinging to Kagami’s throat, he feels himself smile back.

* * *

Kagami told Tobirama that he’d only spend one night with Torifu, and he intends to keep his word. He should have said it would be longer so he’d have time to sort through his thoughts, but leaving Tobirama like he did makes his stomach churn. The last thing he wants to do is add to Tobirama’s list of people he thinks he failed.

They've been together for years, and Kagami is still trying to help Tobirama disentangle his loyalty to Hashirama and Konoha from his own desires. He tells Tobirama that it's good for him to want things for himself. He shouldn't feel guilty for existing outside the needs of the people around him.

Kagami was clear that he doesn’t think Tobirama is cheating on him, but he can’t help feeling that by walking away, he reinforced the very idea he’s trying to excise.

Without a solution to speak of, Kagami has elected to distract himself with a little schadenfreude by watching his friends struggle with their own love lives. Biwako, Danzō, and Hiruzen have made a mess of their relationships second only to the ones between the hokage, his wife, and Madara, but they don’t have the excuse of decades of waging war on each other and political alliances.

For the moment, Kagami and Biwako are sitting together on a low branch in a tree in the training area. Near the center, Hiruzen and Danzō are shouting at each other. They aren't as loud as Hashirama and Madara, but between Hiruzen using Enma to make the ground shake and Danzō doing his best to vacuum the air out of their friend’s lungs, they're loud enough.

Kagami pretends not to hear the insults Danzō throws at Hiruzen. They all have the ring of truth, and Kagami isn’t ready to think about Hiruzen that way. “Are you really going to share Hiruzen?”

Biwako sighs. “It's that or let them rip each other apart. Whether they like it or not, there's something going on between them, and trying to keep them apart would just make it worse.”

“You wouldn't try to stop them? Isn't that against the code of a medical ninja?”

“I’m a ninja, not a god. I can’t rebuild Danzō’s entire skeleton if Hiruzen hits him hard enough to break him. Nor can I revive Hiruzen if Danzō crushes his lungs. Besides, letting them live separately would probably have a higher body count, so if I didn't share, by letting them murder each other, I’d be saving more lives in the long run.”

All true, but grim- and pointedly omitting Biwako's own motivations. “Are you sure you don't just want to have a reason not to feel guilty about seeing Torifu’s sister?”

A blush rushes up Biwako’s face. “Just because you have something steady with somebody stupidly devoted to you doesn't mean the rest of us have to-" She cuts herself off. "What's with that face?”

“What face?”

Biwako narrows her eyes at him. “If you were dating anyone else, I'd ask how long they'd been cheating on you.” She frowns, eyes flicking across his face. “I've heard the rumors, but I can't see Tobirama just up and leaving you. What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay. What _should_ have happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why are you so unhappy?”

“I’m hurting him.” Kagami scrubs his hands over his face. “He hasn't given me any reason to think he doesn't want me or that he's cheating, but part of me wonders if he’s getting tired of me. Watching someone younger flirt with him and not be told off isn't helping.”

Biwako shakes her head. “So you think he wants a newer model? He was happy with you until you got too old for his taste. Is that it?”

“You make him sound predatory.”

“Because he is, if that's what he's up to.” She glances over at Danzō and Hiruzen, who've moved onto throwing rocks at each other, then back at Kagami. “Have you actually talked to him, or have you been suffering in silence?”

“I told him about it, but it's my insecurity to overcome. He shouldn't have to deal with it.”

The look Biwako gives him is unimpressed. “You're a couple, Kagami. You've been helping him solve his problems for years, haven't you? Let him help you in return.”

“It isn't that simple.”

“Why?”

Kagami looks up at the sky. “I don't want him to think I can't take care of myself. I'm not a kid, but he's still older than I am. He's never gotten jealous like this.”

“Perhaps because you never gave me any reason to be.”

Kagami swallows. “Tobirama. I didn't notice hiraishin.”

“That's because I walked over,” Tobirama explains from the ground below. “Are you busy?”

“No,” Biwako says helpfully. “He's all yours, Tobirama-sama.”

“Kagami?”

Tobirama is pushy. He ignores objections and arguments he can't win; he digs his heels in when he's wrong because he's too proud just to admit he didn't know best and still doesn't quite apologize when he’s forced to acknowledge he was wrong.

But he doesn't demand that Kagami do whatever he's told. If Kagami doesn't want to leave, Tobirama won't force him.

“I'm free,” Kagami says before turning to Biwako. “Tell Hiruzen and Danzō they owe us each a lunch.”

“Of course. Pick somewhere expensive; I’m going to.”

Kagami lets himself smile then slips off the branch. He lands in front of Tobirama, who gives him a once over.

“I need to show you something,” is all the explanation Tobirama gives before he lays his hand on Kagami’s shoulder and Kagami feels the familiar shift of hiraishin.


	2. Chapter 2

They rematerialize in their bedroom.

Kagami doesn't have time to wonder what's going through Tobirama's head; the moment they’re no longer traveling, Tobirama pulls him in for a hard kiss.

“This isn’t how it was supposed to go,” he says, his lips brushing Kagami’s. “In my haste, I lost track of you.”

Kagami closes his eyes. “I'm sorry.”

Tobirama strokes Kagami’s chest. “Why?”

“For taking my problems out on you. For being jealous of a kid.”

Tobirama hums. “You're the only person who’s felt like that about me. The problem is that you didn't trust me to help you, not that you got upset.” He kisses Kagami again, but softer. “Yet the true fault lies with me. I was too caught up in my work. I wasn't paying attention.”

“I'm not a pet,” Kagami reminds him, opening his eyes.

“That's true.” Another kiss. “But humans require attention just as much as animals. You put yourself second without complaint.” Another kiss. “It’s an admirable trait, but I let myself forget that you take it too far. You don’t ask others to pay attention to you when you need it.”

He frames Kagami’s face with his hands and meets his eyes. “Let me begin to make up the deficit.”

“There's no deficit. Relationships don't have quotas.”

“You felt less important than you are because I was focused elsewhere. Reciprocation isn't about quotas, but it does require that I prioritize you, which I failed to do.” He kisses Kagami again. “Besides, I’ve missed you.”

Kagami leans his head forward to rest his forehead on Tobirama’s. “I’ve missed you, too.”

“Reciprocation.” Tobirama touches Kagami's chin. “Stop worrying. I did some rearranging, and it won’t be a problem anymore.”

Closing his hands in Tobirama’s shirt, Kagami asks, “I made things difficult, didn’t I?”

“If I thought you were being difficult, I would have told you so. As I said, I miscalculated. It’s only right that I take responsibility for the mistake.” Tobirama lifts Kagami’s chin. “I was trying to do my work a better way but made you unhappy instead.”

“A better way?”

“To finish faster. Explaining further will take time.”

Kagami hears the request under the words and tilts his head for the kiss they both want. “Later, then. Was there something you wanted to do first?”

“I did mention making up for my absence, didn’t I?"

After all this time, it should feel more familiar than exciting, but the heat in Tobirama’s eyes still sends a shiver up Kagami's spine.

Tobirama takes a small step back. “May I?”

Kagami nods, and Tobirama lifts the hem of Kagami’s shirt. 

Tobirama bends low enough to brush soft, open-mouthed kisses over Kagami’s belly as he pushes the shirt up. The kisses tickle, and as Kagami tries not to squirm, he feels Tobirama’s smile against his skin.

It's been too long since Kagami saw him smile.

Pulling the shirt up and over Kagami's head, Tobirama tosses it to the side. He drops to his knees and kisses back down Kagami’s belly. He undoes the front of Kagami’s pants then leans in and kisses Kagami's cock through his boxers.

It had slipped Kagami’s mind that Tobirama loves this. The largest hole in Tobirama’s self-restraint is his love of touching Kagami. His hands roam up and down Kagami's legs. They squeeze Kagami's hips, the backs of his thighs, his ass. They curl around Kagami’s waist, holding him steady as Tobirama runs his tongue over Kagami’s cock.

He still hasn't taken Kagami's boxers off.

Kagami tries to breathe steadily, but Tobirama knows his body. He’s made good use of the time they’ve spent in Tobirama’s bed; while Kagami was just thinking about making Tobirama feel good, Tobirama was watching him carefully as he touched every part of Kagami, piecing together a map no one before him had cared to make. Even foreplay is part of it; Tobirama took the time to learn what gets Kagami hard the fastest and what he likes when they go slow.

Seeing Tobirama on his knees, eyes heavy lidded but fixed on Kagami’s face as he pulls Kagami’s damp underwear down and kisses the tip of Kagami's cock, isn't new, but that only makes it better.

This is what Kagami likes. Tobirama knows that; Tobirama, whose mind is always looking for the next thing to explore, the next question to answer, made a point of learning Kagami’s body and hasn't moved on from him.

Kagami draws a deep, unsteady breath as Tobirama pulls his boxers the rest of the way down. He balances his hands on Tobirama’s shoulders and lifts one leg at a time.

His boxers also get tossed aside.

Unhappy as he's been, Kagami hasn't touched himself since the night he used the toy in the shower. It drove him crazy at first; he got used to having sex regularly, and going without put him on edge. Then it just made him feel more lonely.

Tobirama is back where he wants to be and looking up at Kagami like he's never been happier as he kisses the length of his shaft.

If this were all they did, Kagami would be happy. Tobirama wants him. Tobirama wants him to know he wants him. The growing fear that he's no longer desirable feels foolish. This is all he could ask for.

It isn't enough for Tobirama, who tugs his own shirt off and paws at his pants. It's hurried and clumsy, and if Tobirama hadn't taken Kagami into his mouth as he began struggling with his zipper, Kagami might have laughed at his unusual lack of grace.

Instead, he clutches at Tobirama’s head to keep from losing his balance.

“Tobirama!”

It's meant to be a rebuke, but Tobirama hums to himself, clearly pleased.

Kagami loves how playful Tobirama can be, but surprising Kagami in the middle of a blowjob when Kagami doesn't even have a wall to support him isn't the best time for it.

He can't make himself say so.

Tobirama moves his head slowly, eyes heavy lidded as he looks up, daring Kagami to make him hurry.

There's no need for that. It doesn't take long for Kagami to get close. He pushes on Tobirama’s head and struggles to warn him through how good it feels, but Tobirama keeps taking him back into his mouth until Kagami manages one last push.

Kagami comes with a moan.

He leans on Tobirama again as he catches his breath, stooping over so he can brace his hands on Tobirama’s shoulders to keep from falling over.

He can feel how pleased Tobirama is with himself.

Straightening up, Kagami pulls back to ask Tobirama what he's so happy about, but when he looks down, he figures it out on his own.

“You made me fight you on purpose,” he accuses, hurrying to wipe off the mess on Tobirama's face. His own face grows hot as he tries not to think too hard about how much he likes the way Tobirama looks right now. “You knew I wouldn't realize what you were going to do.”

This isn't the first time this has happened, but it hasn't happened often.

Seeing Tobirama marked by him satisfies a possessive desire Kagami tries to ignore, but Tobirama orchestrated this. He wanted it so much that it wasn't enough just to be marked; he brings Kagami’s hand to his mouth and licks Kagami's fingers.

Tobirama turns his head to lick Kagami’s palm. “You like it.”

“I don't!” Kagami lies.

“You do. You were feeling unwanted; now you know you aren't. You have proof.” Tobirama noses at Kagami’s hand. “And if you really didn't like it, you would've actually cleaned me up.”

Kagami freezes. Tobirama is right; when Kagami wasn't paying attention, he stopped trying to clean Tobirama's face and started rubbing the mess in with his other hand.

"Sorry.”

“Did it not occur to you that I might like this, too? I know you, Kagami.” Tobirama kisses the tips of Kagami’s fingers. “You're right to say I'm yours.”

“And this is the best way to tell me that? By making me…” 

Kagami waves his hand at Tobirama’s clean-ish skin, unable to make himself finish the thought aloud.

_By making me come on your face?_

“No one else has done it. I haven't wanted them to.” Tobirama has never said that before. “Did you not like it this time?”

“No, I did. It's just…”

Kagami takes his hand off Tobirama's cheek, but Tobirama catches it and brings it to his mouth.

He twines his fingers with the hand he's been licking.

“It was a little extreme, don't you think?” Kagami wheezes, trying to object as Tobirama licks these fingers clean, too.

“It isn't permanent,” Tobirama says, pausing to shoot him a meaningful look. “I didn't get your name tattooed on my forehead. You just needed to see this as much as I wanted to feel it.”

“Still…”

“I assumed this wouldn't be enough. Come on.”

He gets to his feet with the grace he hadn't had earlier and turns toward the bed.

Kagami digs his heels in. “What about you?”

Tobirama twists to face him. “What about me?”

Kagami pointedly looks down at Tobirama's open pants.

For a second time, a blush heats his face.

Tobirama quirks a knowing smile at Kagami as if he isn't standing there with a damp spot on the front of his boxers. “As I said, I wanted it.”

Kagami tries to find an argument- this is a side of Tobirama he doesn't see often, and as much as he likes it, he isn't sure what to make of the shift- but comes up empty. Tobirama is acting different, but he’s been hungry for Kagami in the past. He's crowded Kagami against walls and whispered things in Kagami’s ear that turned him on more than Tobirama touching him.

Tobirama is always confidently two steps ahead. He's just never brought that forethought to their bedroom. Not to this degree.

Tobirama pulls his hand forward with a firm tug, and Kagami, unprepared, stumbles forward.

“I want to give you something. I don't think anyone has ever given you this,” Tobirama says, steadying him. His voice is soft the way it only gets when he's hopeful. He's usually so confident when he's angry that hearing him speak like this is almost frightening. His expression is earnest, as if saying what he wants might summon someone who will take it from him. “You could have found someone else. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had. But you didn't. Let me show you how glad I am.”

Tobirama dips his head for another kiss, and Kagami pushes his fingers into Tobirama's hair and keeps him in place. He deepens the kiss and runs his fingers through Tobirama's hair, untangling knots and enjoying the deep groan that rumbles in Tobirama’s chest.

Being with Tobirama has already given Kagami things no one else has, but if Tobirama wants to keep going, Kagami won't turn down more.

He's nervous, but he's more interested in the gift Tobirama has planned.

It's a testament to how caught up Kagami is that when Tobirama pulls him toward their bed, he doesn't notice the mirror until he nearly trips over it.

“Careful,” Tobirama says between kisses.

“Is that-” Kagami stops, interrupted by a kiss “-a mirror?”

“It is.”

“Why-” Tobirama tries to kiss him again, but Kagami puts his fingers on Tobirama’s lips. “Why is the mirror next to our bed?”

“It's for the next part.” At Kagami's expectant look, Tobirama adds, “You've never done this before, right? This is the best way to show you something.”

“You want us to look in a mirror while we have sex?”

“Yes.”

He licks one of Kagami’s nipples, a trick he pulls when he wants to get out of a conversation, and despite knowing that, Kagami has to struggle not to let himself be pulled along with Tobirama's plan.

“Explain.”

Tobirama’s breath on Kagami’s damp skin is distracting.

“Now?” Tobirama asks.

“Yes.”

“I can, but it would work better if you let me explain when we get to it. It's part of the mood.”

The last sentence is sulky, and Kagami can't help the urge to pull him into another kiss.

Kagami should stop Tobirama and demand to know what the plan is. Tobirama’s curiosity and interest in experimentation come with him into the bedroom, and while that has gone better than Kagami could have guessed, there have been failures. It's never been terrible; Tobirama’s usual fuzzy sense of acceptable behavior doesn't extend to their sex life. The worst incident that sticks out in Kagami’s memory was the awkward rushing he had to do to get Tobirama out of a series of knots that got too tight because Kagami had accidentally used field knots instead of decorative ones. It wasn't an emergency, but it was a mood killer and left Tobirama's shoulder sore for a week.

Kagami has since learned to ask what Tobirama is thinking ahead of time, but there's something in Tobirama’s expression that makes him want to see where this is going.

“We’ll stop if you don't like it,” Tobirama promises.

Kagami has known men who use that to wheedle their way into getting something they want. Tobirama isn't one of them.

Kagami hesitates for another moment, then nods. “Okay.”

He doesn't have to be a sensor to pick up on Tobirama’s relief at being allowed to continue without divulging his mystery yet.

Kagami floats on that feeling as they work together to finish pulling their clothes off. Their kisses are heated; Kagami feels hotter as he strips than he had when he was fully dressed.

Naked, he moves to lie back on the bed like usual, but Tobirama catches his arm.

“Like this.”

He maneuvers Kagami until Kagami finds himself kneeling on the bed near the edge in front of the mirror.

“This feels like it's for you more than me,” Kagami observes. It comes out sharply, his voice tight and self-conscious. He’s taken stock and isn't uncomfortable with how he looks, but he doesn't like it so much that he wants to watch himself when he's having sex.

He'd rather watch Tobirama.

Tobirama settles on his knees behind Kagami. “You aren't wrong about it being for me,” he admits, “but it's for you, too. You like this position, as do I, but we can't see each other well. We can like this.”

Kagami’s face heats. “I see.”

“Not yet, no, but you will.” Tobirama strokes Kagami’s hip. “If you watch my face, you'll see how much I want you. Just focus on me.”

He kisses Kagami’s neck, and Kagami’s breath catches. 

Tobirama keeps kissing him, his lips following Kagami’s neck to his jaw, then down to Kagami's shoulder.

One of his hands comes around to rest on Kagami’s stomach. It pulls him back until their bodies are pressed flat together.

Kagami can feel that Tobirama is hard again.

In the mirror, Tobirama’s eyes are bright.

The hand on Kagami's belly slips lower and gives him a light stroke.

Kagami sucks in a breath through his teeth.

“Too soon?” Tobirama asks, pausing.

“A bit, yeah.”

Tobirama pulls his hand away, and Kagami hears the sheets rustle as he digs through them.

“What are you-”

“This,” Tobirama says, reaching around to show Kagami a familiar box and bottle. “We can do something else until you're ready.”

Kagami turns his head and kisses Tobirama's chin. He’d meant to bring this up at a different time, but if they're going to do things they've never done with anyone else, then it seems fitting.

“You got tested before we got together, right?” he asks.

“And you haven't been with anyone but me?”

“Of course not. Why?”

Suspicion has crept into Tobirama’s voice, so Kagami takes hold of the hand in front of him.

“I got tested after my last honeypot mission, and I’ve only been with you since then.”

Tobirama searches his face in the mirror, and for a moment, Kagami spares a thought for the people who were with Tobirama before him but never got far enough to have this conversation.

“We don't need the condom,” Kagami says slowly. “We could use just the lube if you wanted to. It's up to you”

Tobirama blinks a few times, looking lost.

“Do you want to?” he asks.

“I do.”

Tobirama sets the box of condoms on the bed. “Then I want to.”

He tilts his head and kisses Kagami hard; Kagami kisses him even harder.

They’re still kissing when he hears the snap of the bottle.

“You're okay to start?”

Kagami nods, and Tobirama gently presses in with a slick finger. He takes his time, ignoring Kagami’s attempts to hurry him as they kiss.

Kagami can't help but see in the mirror how his body reacts to what Tobirama is doing. Watching himself get hard is strange and not a turn on, but the look on Tobirama’s face makes up for it.

Each time he makes Kagami moan, Tobirama lights up. He keeps working Kagami open, too gentle to give Kagami what he really wants but still making him feel good.

He makes it feel so good that Kagami briefly forgets what he's supposed to be doing and closes his eyes. 

“Kagami,” Tobirama says. He pinches Kagami's nipple. “Eyes open.”

Reminded of the plan, Kagami opens his eyes again. Tobirama is looking at him in the mirror, expression uncertain.

He can be so cute that Kagami wants to keep him forever.

“Sorry. Habit.”

Tobirama nods and goes back to what he was doing.

Watching Tobirama's face in the mirror isn't the same as looking at him when they're having sex facing each other. Kagami feels like a third person and himself as he traces the creases in Tobirama's forehead with his eyes.

Tobirama's eyes flick up, meeting Kagami’s eyes in the mirror and holding them as he pushes his fingers in just right to make Kagami arch his back. Kagami doesn't mean to beg but wouldn't stop except Tobirama puts two fingers over his lips.

“You don't need to do that. I'm going to give you everything you want.”

His eyes look darker in the mirror. This view is a different kind of intimate, one Kagami isn't sure what to make of; all he knows for certain is that he already loves Tobirama’s idea.

Kagami fights to keep his eyes open, but watching Tobirama watch him watching Tobirama get him ready is overwhelming. Tobirama only looks away from his face to look down Kagami’s body to see if he got hard again. Kagami feels himself blush hard at the pleased sound Tobirama makes, and he doesn't miss Tobirama smiling as Kagami turns red.

Tobirama kisses behind Kagami’s ear and down his neck.

Staying still is difficult; Kagami no longer trusts Tobirama not to make him come like this.

He doesn't trust Tobirama more when the lube snaps open again but instead of using it on himself, Tobirama takes Kagami in hand. He traps Kagami between his hands.

“You like this,” Tobirama says quietly.

In the mirror, he suddenly looks scared.

Kagami nods and keeps his voice soft, too. “I like you.”

“The two aren't the same.”

“But they're related. I like it because I like you.”

He watches Tobirama work through that. It takes him time, but Kagami doesn't rush him. It’s important to make Tobirama understand that his happiness is all Kagami wants.

Tobirama kisses Kagami’s shoulder.

“I think you’re ready,” he says, “but tell me if you aren't.”

Kagami nods.

Both of Tobirama’s hands release him, and Kagami doesn't quite manage to suppress a whine.

It makes Tobirama smile as he reaches blindly for the lube.

There's one final set of snaps from the bottle, followed by the feeling of Tobirama getting into a better position behind him.

“I'm good,” Kagami says before Tobirama asks.

Over his shoulder, Tobirama nods, and Kagami makes himself lock eyes with him in the mirror as Tobirama pushes in.

He’s seen Tobirama’s face in this moment countless times before, but this time, it isn't the same. There's something more to it, just beyond what Kagami can explain.

He barely waits for Tobirama to get as deep as he can before Kagami rolls his hips once, just to feel it, and he knows from the way Tobirama looks at him that neither of them is going to last long.

Tobirama moves slowly, and Kagami is grateful for it. As much as he wants to see how Tobirama looks at him when they have sex like this, he can feel himself coming apart.

Slowly, Kagami matches his breathing to Tobirama’s until he feels less fragile and more turned on.

“Hey,” he says, touching Tobirama's thigh. “I'm good now.”

Tobirama nods but doesn't do anything any differently. In the mirror, his eyes are fixed on Kagami's mouth.

Kagami squeezes his leg. “Is something wrong?”

“No.” Tobirama meets Kagami's eyes in the mirror again. “I was just remembering the first time we kissed. I thought it would be the first of the last, but here we are.”

Kagami remembers the kiss. It was sweet, just a soft brush of their lips that left Kagami’s body buzzing happily for days. He'd counted the minutes until he could get another. “Why would you think that?”

“You could have your pick. There are other men my age who aren't as difficult. There are men your age whose company you enjoy. It would make sense for you to want someone else eventually, and I would be a passing fascination for you.”

He says it so simply that Kagami almost doesn't notice the catch in his voice.

Tobirama has accidentally broken his heart more times than Kagami can count, and it always happens like this. Something that's been hurting Tobirama finally gives way, and that's the pain he notices. The relief he should feel doesn't reach him unless Kagami talks him through what used to hurt and points out that the old pain was worse. The new pain is temporary. Tobirama doesn't have to learn how to bear a new ache; like a poorly healed bone broken and reset, he's already begun to heal better.

Kagami will never know how much of Tobirama’s self-neglect is his own doing and how much Kagami should blame on his family. It doesn't matter to Tobirama- he is who he is, and assigning blame won't help him- so Kagami bites his tongue, pulls Tobirama’s arms around him, and lays his own over them.

It's the best compromise Kagami can think of. He wants to hug Tobirama; Tobirama wants to use sex to bury his uncertainty.

Leaning back into Tobirama's chest, Kagami says, “You were never a placeholder. You should have told me.”

“I wanted us to enjoy each other while we were together, and when you left, I didn't want you to feel any guilt. Telling you was counter to that.”

Kagami squeezes Tobirama. “Do you still think like that?”

“At times.” Tobirama kisses Kagami's temple. Without the mirror, Kagami wouldn't know that the line of mouth is soft. “It got easier to bear when you found the scroll with my notes on edo tensei and still came back.”

It was their first and only true fight. They argue like any other couple; Tobirama is stubborn and Kagami gets caught up in his emotions. But discovering that piece of Tobirama's work had led to both of them raising their voices. Blood and fear pounding in his ears, Kagami had threatened to rip up the scroll and burn it to ash. Tobirama had dared him to do it. In the end, after yelling his throat raw, Kagami had taken the scroll and told him Hashirama was going to find out. Tobirama had suggested, at volume, that Kagami should show Madara as well.

Kagami had shown both of them. He'd been upset and frightened when he made the decision, but it was the right one to make.

The argument between Hashirama, Madara, and Tobirama had nearly brought the three of them to blows. Only Izuna’s company had kept Kagami from losing his mind while the entire village held its breath, listening to its founders dare each other to draw swords.

“He's still yours, you know,” Izuna had said, scratching idly at the scar on his chest. “What? I fought Tobirama for decades; you learn a lot about a person that way. If he hadn't cared about you, he wouldn't have argued with you.”

“You can't know that.”

“Of course I can. And since you're afflicted by the same Senju madness as my brother, I’ll give you some advice: Tobirama doesn't know how to ask for things. I nearly cut his arm off once, but he tried to fix it himself instead of going to his brother. He would have bled out if Hashirama hadn't noticed and grabbed him.”

Kagami hadn't been surprised, but he had been afraid. “That isn't just not asking for something!”

“Isn't it? Don't get mad at me. I didn't make him like this, Kagami. I’m just trying to tell you that the man you’re with is a man who’d die because it wouldn't occur to him that he could ask for help. If you aren't careful, you'll kill yourself trying to fix him.”

After Tobirama, Madara, and Hashirama's argument finally ended, miraculously without bloodshed, Tobirama had returned to his apartment. Kagami had made himself at home there already, and he'd remembered Izuna's words as he made Tobirama talk through how they could stay together.

He still remembers it.

“We've come a long way, haven't we?” Kagami asks.

Tobirama squeezes him. “We have, but we have further to go.”

Kagami tilts his head for a kiss. “Together.”

Tobirama’s lips brush his. “Together.”

They kiss a second time and a third, and as Tobirama licks into his mouth, Kagami shifts his hips toward him.

As they held each other, Kagami had started to get soft; now that he isn't worrying, he feels himself getting hard again. He hadn't noticed in the moment, but as Tobirama frees his hands and runs them down Kagami’s sides, Kagami realizes Tobirama had started getting soft, too.

If Tobirama is willing to keep going, Kagami is, too. They haven't been close like this in far too long. Airing out their insecurities does dampen the mood, but they can get back into it.

He rocks his hips again, testing Tobirama’s interest.

Tobirama hums against the side of his neck. The mattress shifts as he reaches to the side; the bottle snaps open and shut before Kagami can ask.

In the mirror, Tobirama looks like an extension of Kagami.

“You take such good care of me,” Kagami says, patting Tobirama’s hip.

“By not using lube that's gotten sticky?” Tobirama huffs. “You should have higher standards than that.”

He pulls out gently, and Kagami fights the urge to tell him to get hurry up before Kagami has to miss him

Tobirama's fingers are slick as he touches Kagami, gently testing that it won't hurt. He doesn't try to make Kagami come, but he could if he wanted to.

He pulls his fingers out before Kagami can decide he wants to come like this. Kagami winces; it will be worth it in a moment, but until then, he feels empty again.

The sound of Tobirama giving himself a few quick strokes makes Kagami’s breath come faster. Finally feeling Tobirama press in again, Kagami groans; the empty feeling disappears, replaced by the kind of fullness that reaches out from where they're joined to the rest of his body. He already aches from earlier, and he's going to ache even more by the time they finish.

Tobirama’s breath is coming faster, too. His hands clutch Kagami’s hips as he bottoms out.

Somehow, all of this is Kagami’s.

All of Tobirama, good and bad, is his.

Tobirama breathes Kagami’s name and meets his eyes in the mirror. 

He's just kneeling, hips flush against Kagami’s ass, a position he's been in so many times before that Kagami’s senses no longer prickle in warning, but Tobirama looks overwhelmed.

Kagami looks over Tobirama’s face in the mirror. He follows the blunt line of Tobirama’s chin to his strong jaw, his jaw to his cheek. Kagami has touched the line that cuts through it with his fingers and his mouth. Near the inner point, Tobirama's uncanny eyes are bright, separated by his long, unbroken nose. Below it, Tobirama’s parted lips are dark from being kissed. His breath is hot on the side of Kagami’s face.

They look good together, and Kagami tilts his head for a kiss that leaves Tobirama’s lips even darker.

The kiss brings Tobirama back to him.

Focused again, Tobirama slips one hand down Kagami's body and closes it around Kagami’s cock. It's callused but warm and slick, as familiar as Kagami’s own hands.

Kagami doesn't want to go another day without touching him.

“I missed you.”

Tobirama nods and kisses Kagami's jaw.

His eyes are bright and his lips quirked- the expression he gets when he finally gets something he’s wanted.

He surprises Kagami by squeezing his ass; the sound Kagami makes brings his mouth into a full smile.

Kagami expects a hard, deep thrust to follow- Tobirama’s needy grip on his ass is going to leave bruises- but Tobirama rocks his hips shallowly. He squeezes the hand on Kagami’s cock and pumps him slowly.

“Tobirama,” Kagami groans. He scrabbles for purchase on Tobirama’s body, but the angle is awkward.

Tobirama hums and doesn't help; if anything, his rhythm slows even more.

“Are you sure you don't want me to beg?”

“I am.” Tobirama’s reflection looks over Kagami’s body.

“Then what do you want me to do?”

“Nothing. I like the way you look when you're like this.” Tobirama lets go of Kagami’s hip to lie on his chest. The other hand gives a long, slow pull up the length of Kagami’s shaft. “Do you know how difficult it was for me to concentrate after you showed up in my office like that? I was trying to finish the project with Fujiwara as quickly as I could so I’d have time to spend with you again, but I couldn’t concentrate. I kept seeing you sitting there for me. You looked so unhappy, I thought you would leave, but if I followed you, I wouldn't have wanted to resume the work.”

“That's why you were with Fujiwara all the time?”

“Of course. What else was there for us to do together? There was a great deal that needed to be done, and I resented prioritizing him.”

It's unlike Tobirama to rush.

“I didn't notice his behavior until you brought it up because he's of no interest to me.” Tobirama runs his hand over Kagami’s chest to his sternum. His eyes don't leave Kagami's. “You were sleeping in our bed, often alone, and I had to leave you there.”

Kagami tries to keep his breathing even, but the way Tobirama is looking at him is more intimate than entire relationships Kagami had before him.

“Kagami.”

“Hm?”

Tobirama doesn't answer aloud, but his gaze is hot as he brushes his thumb over Kagami’s nipple.

Kagami swallows around a lump in his throat.

“I…” Tobirama hesitates. “There's something I want.”

I want, Kagami thinks.

Tobirama has been admitting to having wants today.

That's trust.

But why is he asking now?

“What is it, Tobirama?”

“A favor.” Tobirama brushes his hand down Kagami’s chest to his navel. The other keeps pumping slowly, making Kagami’s knees weak. “I want you to want me.”

“Want you?” Kagami parrots. “I already want you more than anyone.”

Tobirama nods; the mirror shows that his eyes are open wide.

“I want to hear you say my name, too.”

“You know how to do that,” Kagami reminds him. He tilts his hips and doesn't miss Tobirama’s bitten off noise. “I’ve been waiting on you.”

Tobirama nods again, and Kagami sighs as Tobirama takes one of Kagami’s hands and presses it flat to Kagami’s chest. He covers it with his own.

He pulls his hips back, then pushes in hard enough to make Kagami moan.

He finally picks up the pace, and before Kagami realizes, he's gasping Tobirama's name.

Tobirama grips his hand so hard it hurts.

“Please,” Kagami pants. “Please, Tobirama. I'm so close, please-”

Tobirama doesn't ask what Kagami wants. He keeps his eyes locked on Kagami’s in the mirror as he turns his head and whispers in Kagami’s ear, “I want to keep you.”

Kagami reaches back, searching hard for something to hold until his fingers catch on Tobirama’s hips. He can feel them digging in too hard, but Tobirama only murmurs his name and squeezes harder.

Kagami has needed this for months.

“I don't want someone else,” Tobirama says. “This is our bed. Our house.”

He noses at Kagami’s jaw.

“Haven't you told me that I’m yours? Aren't you the one who held me down on this bed and told me to get used to sharing it with you?”

Unable to find his voice, Kagami can only nod.

“If I’m yours, aren't you mine?” Tobirama squeezes his hands. “Don't I get to keep you, Kagami?”

Kagami nods again and draws a sharp breath in.

Tobirama presses an open-mouthed kiss to Kagami's neck. “I don't want someone else. I want you.”

Tobirama’s voice drives Kagami crazy. He always wants to hear it more, and Tobirama, who's usually quiet, keeps talking, telling him things Kagami hadn't realized he’d been quietly giving up hope of ever hearing. Each word shakes him; the sounds rumble into his body from Tobirama’s chest and chase the thoughts out of his head.

It’s more of a turn on than he can handle.

“You have more influence over me than I know how to live with,” Tobirama tells him, “yet I want you to have it. I don't understand.”

Tobirama shifts to steal a kiss, and Kagami doesn't quite swallow a moan at the different angle.

Tobirama kisses him again. “You're the only one for me.”

Fingers digging in so hard it hurts his own hands, Kagami comes.

He hears Tobirama’s choked question as he gasps for breath, and he makes himself say, “No, like this. I want it like this.”

Tobirama comes with a groan a moment later.

Through it all, neither of them closes his eyes or looks away from the mirror, and a different shiver runs up Kagami's spine as he watches Tobirama’s expression change from desperate to relieved.

“I love you,” Kagami tells him.

Tobirama kisses his jaw and doesn't say it back.

He’s come a long way over the years, but he still struggles with his feelings. He relies on Kagami to speak first, and even then, he can't always say them in return.

But he makes Kagami feel loved in the ways he can.

Exhausted, Kagami sinks into him. He expects Tobirama to hold him up like he has every other time they've been in this position; instead, Tobirama lets the two of them tip over onto their sides, his arms keeping them together as they hit the mattress.

Tobirama shifts, rearranging himself so his arm is stretched out in the space between Kagami’s neck and the bed instead of under Kagami’s hip. He presses the rest of his body flush against Kagami's.

Kagami sighs happily. He'd missed the sex, but he’d missed cuddling up together just as much. The bed isn't so big with Tobirama lying with him. It's warm again, as Kagami had ached for.

This is how it should be, empty space around them for luxury, no gaps between them as they lie together.

“In the interest of being fully honest,” Tobirama says without preamble, pulling Kagami away from the nap he'd been drifting into, “the difference in our ages does make me question whether my behavior is appropriate. Yes, I recognize that you're nearing forty, but you weren't when we began our relationship. I remain more than ten years older than you.

“If either of us should be concerned about a breakup, it's me. You're young and handsome. Love comes to you easily. Being with an old man will get tiring. I’ll only get more difficult and less desirable.”

Kagami hasn't seen this insecurity in a while. Foolishly, he'd thought that Tobirama had overcome it.

“Do you really think I'd leave you just because you're difficult?”

“You nearly have in the past.”

Kagami bites his cheek. Edo tensei was the biggest but by no means the only serious argument they've had over the years, and Tobirama's attitude has been at the heart of most of them. Kagami only got close to calling it quits a few times, but he did almost get there.

The possibility that he’ll reach that point will never disappear.

“You're right,” he allows. “That happened the most before I figured you out, though.”

“Is that so?” Tobirama asks. He sounds curious rather than annoyed. “What did you figure out about me?”

“When you’re being difficult, you're scared and angry at yourself for being scared. That's why you argue with your brother so much. He worries you.”

Tobirama huffs but doesn't argue.

Kagami turns their hands to weave his fingers through Tobirama’s. “I don't expect everything to be easy, but I do want to go through it with you. You make me happier than anyone else.

“Besides, we’re a good pair despite the difference in our ages, aren't we? No other couple works as well in the kitchen together as we do.”

Tobirama kisses Kagami's shoulder.

“Kagami, I…”

His voice trails off, and Kagami squeezes his hip.

“It's fine. If you can't say it, you can't say it. There's no rush; you aren't an old man just yet.”

Having sex and drinking are the only ways to loosen Tobirama’s tongue. He doesn't drink often, and when he does, he doesn't overindulge, which means the best time to get a peek into Tobirama’s mind is when he’s got nothing on his mind but Kagami. Thoughts he couldn't voice otherwise sometimes spill out, though he clams up again as soon as they finish. Even things he's already said can't come out again.

It hurts that saying _I love you_ is so difficult for him, but Kagami isn't the only person he can't tell. Hashirama hasn't heard the words in his life. The grave where their mother’s ashes are buried hasn't heard it either.

At least Kagami has the comfort of Tobirama switching from _washi_ to _ore_ when he's talking to Kagami. That's a way of saying _I love you,_ too.

“You don't ever have to say it,” Kagami promises. He can't guarantee that Tobirama’s reticence won't cause problems, but he can promise that he won't try to force him.

Tobirama clears his throat.

Kagami raises their hands and kisses Tobirama's knuckles. “One day at a time.”

He hears Tobirama swallow.

“Really, Tobirama, it's fine-”

“I love you.”

Kagami’s heart clenches.

“I love you,” Tobirama says again. He curls his arm and lays his hand over Kagami’s pounding heart. “I have another request, but before I ask it, you needed to hear me say that.”

Kagami takes a deep breath. Tobirama never warns him before asking for something; he just asks. If he asks at all- his habit of giving orders is alive and well.

“Okay. What's your request?”

“I want you to consider marrying me.”

Kagami's heart clenches again. “You do?”

Tobirama nods; the motion rubs his cheek on Kagami's shoulder. “I've been thinking about asking you for some time, but I couldn't ask you if I couldn't say I love you. It would be too selfish.”

He sighs heavily.

“I intended to tell you to your face, but it seems I’m not immune to impulsivity. It didn't go as smoothly as it should have either,” he grumbles to himself. “Next time, I’ll say it correctly.”

Next time.

“You didn't say it wrong this time,” Kagami promises. His throat is too tight to speak any louder than a whisper.

“It sounded forced.”

Tobirama's voice is petulant, and Kagami’s chuckles.

This is the man he loves.

“Next time,” he reminds Tobirama.

“Next time,” Tobirama agrees. “I'll ask you to marry me properly in the future. Before that, I want you to consider this without thinking you have to say yes to spare my feelings or accepting on impulse. We could break an engagement or a marriage, but we can't undo the choice to go through with them.”

“You mean I can't erase my marriage to the hokage’s brother in the eyes of the world,” Kagami surmises. “Our names will be connected forever. They already are, though, aren't they? We’ve been together for so long, people assume we’re married or treat us as if we are.

“But you're worried about the bigger picture, too, aren't you? A marriage between us would permanently impact our clans and Konoha at large. It could potentially affect things beyond the village. A divorce would do the same.”

Tobirama grunts a confirmation. “Our relationship has never entirely been ours. Marrying will only make it more public.”

This isn't the romantic proposal Kagami had envisioned when he was younger. For one, he'd always imagined himself asking. For another, there would have been an actual proposal- spontaneous or well-planned didn't matter, so long as it was a show of love. A “would you consider” isn't much of a demonstration.

He doesn't want to change any of it.

Romance comes in as many forms as the people who feel it. Tobirama’s love isn't often loud, but it's always deliberate. Their sheets are made of a fabric Tobirama doesn't love but Kagami does. Tobirama helped a sports team because Kagami was disheartened to see them lose so often.

Kagami is one of two people Tobirama will touch in public of his own volition. He finds himself holding Tobirama’s hand because Tobirama wanted to hold his. He gets a peck on the lips to say goodbye and welcome back whether they're in public or at home.

As often as he can, he sets aside half an hour to do no work and be with Kagami; anything Kagami wants to do, from having sex to spending the time working next to each other, Tobirama is his to direct. 

Tobirama could have proposed outright, and Kagami knows him too well to think he isn't dreading weeks of uncertainty.

But for Tobirama, love is about making choices, and by asking first, that's what he's giving Kagami.

“You do promise you'll ask me eventually, right?” Kagami asks.

“I promise.”

“Then I promise I’ll think about it seriously.”

Tobirama kisses the back of Kagami's neck. “That's all I could ask.”

Tobirama can't know that Kagami has been thinking about marrying him for more than a year. It had seemed impossible, but he'd gone over it as whimsy and as a serious option.

The fear of replacement hasn't disappeared entirely, but Tobirama has beaten back.

Kagami’s thoughts drift to the mirror. Tobirama doesn't have the patience to do unnecessary things, yet that's what the mirror was. Kagami would have been reassured if they'd had sex like any other day. It doesn't track that Tobirama would set up the mirror just to spice up their sex life.

Kagami isn't going to forget the way Tobirama looked at him. He's never felt so wanted, and for Tobirama of all men to be so open was deliberate.

It might be worth keeping the mirror where it is.

Behind him, Tobirama snuffles, and Kagami smiles to himself.

Asleep already.

He isn't the only one who needed this. Tobirama is fastidious; he wouldn't have fallen asleep so quickly without cleaning up if this had just been sex for him. He must be as exhausted as Kagami is.

They and the bed are going to be disgusting later, but Kagami can’t bring himself to disturb Tobirama. Loving him comes with heartache; it’s not as if some silicone on bedding is the worst thing Kagami has endured. It isn't even the worst mess.

Tobirama is worth the heartache and the messes, and Kagami is ready to spend the rest of his life doing laundry.

Closing his eyes, he matches his breaths to Tobirama’s and lets the gentle rise and fall of Tobirama’s chest rock him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
